


Faint

by ClaraCivry (Kat_Of_Dresden)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: 5+1 Things, A lot of feels, Angst, Ben Solo - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Redeemed Kylo Ren, a bit of whump, and gets in a lot of bad situation, is trying to come to terms with himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:38:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5658070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Of_Dresden/pseuds/ClaraCivry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Kylo Ren collapsed alone and one where he found himself surrounded. </p><p>A journey full of hurt from the master of the knights of Ren back to Ben Solo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faint

I.

There was blood on the snow. 

Slowly seeping into it, leaving his body. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be, how it was all supposed to end. The pain was taking over everything, but it was not useful anymore. It didn't distract him or give him focus - it just flooded everything and made the misery sharper, heavier. 

Chewie had shot him and he'd been fighting while bleeding out from the side. He'd been more injured than he wanted to admit, and not just physically. What he'd done to was supposed to free him, but it had only hurt eve more, broke him down inside. His determination was slowly fleeing his body, just like his blood was. Drop by drop, until he was completely dry. 

His face hurt, his shoulder hurt, all the injuries the scavenger had casued hurt like hell. There was only him and his pain and the cold form the snow. Softly falling on him - as if there wasn't anything else on the whole world, no dark, no light, no force, nothing. No bad choices, no new jedis.

He was bleeding out in the snow, and all he could think about was his father's look when he killed him. 

Kylo Ren was bleeding out in the snow, and as he closed his eyes, he felt peace. 

II.

It was all collapsing in flames. 

Hopefully, Snoke would be caught under the rubble and finally gone. He preferred it this way, not having to kill him himself, with his own two hands. Slowly but surely, Kylo Ren had lost the taste for death and murder. He'd lost the love for the darkness and all it entailed. Now all his actions were tinged with regret and even more self-loathing than usual. 

His father had been right - Snoke had only meant to use him for his power, and planned to dispose of him after he'd been used. He was using him because of his knowledge of the force and power, nothing else. He had fallen victim to Sith manipulation, done horrible things and unfortunately, lived to regret them. (Just like his grandfather before him, wasn't it ironic?)

And he hadn't able to fake anymore, to continue pretending. Snoke was onto and would use any type of measure to keep him in line, to keep him doing his dirty work. Snoke had even come in person, to convince him - to make him remember who he really was - the master of the knights of Ren, and nothing else. 

And then he saw, Kylo (Ben?) saw it perfectly, the lies he was being fed, the weakness of its arguments, how little it meant to him anymore. The darkness made no sense anymore and he resented Snoke for forcing him to choices that now didn't feel his own. There was a fight and Kylo was injured in a leg and on his stomach - but he managed to set fire to the room, and flee.  
It was all burning, and in the chaos of stormtroopers and captains, he fled in a small tie fighter. 

When he landed in a far away system, he thought of the flames and smiled a little, before collapsing. 

III. 

He hadn't wanted to fight Hux. 

That man had been the closest thing to a friend he had in the first -as pathetic as that may be- and he really didn't want to kill him. Yes, Ben -Kylo- knew that HUx's opinion of himself wasn't exactly positive, and that he'd wanted to get rid of him for a long time, so he could finally be the most important person under Snoke's command. He knew that the general wouldn't hesitate in killing him if he had the chance, would proably enjoy it. 

Hux had been everything he wasn't: not powerful, but efficient and reliable in the face of a crisis. Instead of getting angry at himself when something failed, Hux thought, came up with solutions and kept going. His dedication to the First Order was unwavering, unbreakable. He didn't care for other people, didn't let emotions stand in his way. And they had worked together oh-so-many-times, had been part of each other's daily life. 

If he fought and killed General Hux it would mean that he had give up Kylo Ren forever, admit that all those years - he'd been wrong. Admit that it was over, and that he couldn't ever go back to that life of military glory and power. Which would mean he was completely lost, he had no one. (The Resistance wouldn't ever take him back, they couldn't).

So, to avoid fighting Hux, he had hidden. They were in a small town in that desert planet and he was in an abandoned house, wearing brown clothes similar to the house itself. 

And from there he saw a resistance member take down the general - he saw the man die and felt a part of him die with him. 

When the members of the resistance were gone, Ben came out of his hiding place and ran away, escaped, to the desert. Ran from the images of the dead, all mixing together in his head: a resistance; a hundred scared villagers; his father, falling down; the people of the republic; the General. All of them because of him, because of his wrong choices, becausing his mind had been clouded. Light and darkness got mixed in his head, that final fight in the snow, screams, tears, exploding building, blood, blood......

Under the scorching sun of that desertic planet, Ben Solo lost consciousness and fell in the sand. 

IV. 

He was lost. 

He had been jumping from planet to planet for a very long time, trying to figure out what to do, where to go. He'd lost the drive, the motivation to go on. The future loomed in front of him, like a vast dark plain. Ben had started coming to terms who what he had done, and how it was all over now - there was no more Kylo Ren, no more first order for him.  
He'd tried some jobs, tried to go by as a regular citizen, but left all of them, little by little. Maybe his past was too horrible for him to find any sort of peace again. Maybe this was the end of the line, maybe he was finished. 

After some time, Ben stopped trying to get by and abandoned himself in a corner, in front of a building. Stopped eating, stopped drinking anything. He'd been a beacon of hope for the light, the child of two war heroes and then a leader of the darkness. He wondered where his mother could be, how she was. If she could ever forgive him for what he'd done. She had never deserved any of what he'd put her through, and he was now realising how much he'd missed her. 

Maybe trying to earn her forgiveness could be his new mission in life, his new resolve - what would keep him moving. But Ben Solo, being the disasterous human being that he was, had found this resolution after starving himself for five days. He fell down lifeless the moment he tried to get up from his corner. 

Nobody even bat an eyelash at his prone form. 

V. 

Ben had been clandestinely helping him the resistance for a few months, unable to find the courage to finally face his mother. He'd done to many horrible things to show his face there, to look at her. What if she rejected him? What if could only see the monster he'd become, what if they could never trust him again? What if this was hopeless?

Maybe he should have stayed with the first order, until they nolonger had any use for him. 

But now, he couldn't think like that. Rey and Finn were in trouble and he needed to help them without revealing who was helping them, while he figured out how to make contact with his mother again. He just needed time, more time, a bit more of strength. (But that had always been his problem, wasn't it? Light or dark, he simply wasn't strong enough)

As he distracted tried to take down the stormtroopers that were chasing Finn and Rey, he thought of what he'd done to those two specifically. The battle in the snow, came again, in full force. He'd nearly killed the one stormtrooper that had been strong enough to make his own choices, and he had kidnapped and tried to get into the mind of Rey. They probably still hated him, and were rightful to do so. He remembered the feeling - hatred had ruled his life for so long. 

Now he couldn't hate anything besides himself. 

While he was directing the stormtroopers to a hut where he meant to lock them, someone shot him from behind and he fell. 

\+ 1

This time he woke up in a soft surface, and there were voices speaking.

"Are you saying that it was him all this time? All the easy escapes, all the returned prisoners, the clues that suddenly appeared...."

"I had been feeling a presence, something that felt familiar, but couldn't quite place it, but it was him, I dno't know why or how, but you knew that the First Order where looking for him because of Snoke - maybe he was trying to get back on our good side, but was scared of how we would react.

"I knew there was still light in him, I've always known it."

When Ben opened his eyes, there were three pairs of eyes looking at him. There was no hostility, no hatred. Just some confusion, some gratitude and.... could it be? Love?

"... Mother." He rasped, but his voice was raspy. He hadn't spoken in so long, he'd almost forgot the sound of his voice. 

"Ben, honey, I'm here." 

He tried to sit up on the bed where he was laying and looked better at the people in his room. His mother looked more worn and tired than he remembered, but as warm and strong as always. She caressed his face, gently, and Ben's eyes watered. 

"Finn and Rey have told me about their secret helper. It's been you all this time, hasn't it?"

Ben didn't know what to say, all the words having left him. He just nodded, suddenly too self-conscious to meet his mother's eyes. He looked at his scarred, bruised hands and heard voices on top of him. 

"Thank you for the help before, by the way." Finn said and there was a small smile on his face. 

Rey nodded as well, the loathing and hatred that had been in her eyes the last time they met completely gone. 

"You don't have to be alone anymore, son. Never alone again."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked! 
> 
> Feedback makes an author happy and is very appreciated!


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